Rube Goldberg

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction — Newton's Third Law

Newton’s Law makes the Rube Goldberg device possible. It would be great if it applied to people. Sadly, it only works in the realm of physics. Even knowing the laws of physics, it took Honda 607 takes to get everything to work right in the commercial. People are even less predictable. Granted if you punch someone in the face, you are somewhat likely to have the equal and opposite reaction of receiving a punch to the face. Aside from knee jerk reactions, there’s no way it could apply to people, could it?

Tom, my boss, was asking every employee for their opinion of his new haircut. It was his typical haircut. No one would have likely noticed it aside from his queries. As any good employees might, we decided to tell him it was a little short on the right side (even though it wasn't). As expected, he grew increasingly concerned. We figured we’d let him off the hook before the day ended. However he surprised us all by disappearing for half an hour and returning with a much shorter hair cut.

So what was the equal and opposite reaction to what we had intended as a good-natured joke? We employees spent the day setting up a prank that, if properly executed, would have us all laughing together with Tom when we let him off the hook. In our failure, we felt bad for making him get a second haircut. Tom was upset that he needed a new haircut and a little embarrassed that he’d been wandering about with a supposedly off-kilter coiffure most of the day.

It goes much further than that though. Our customers suffered for half an hour while we covered for Tom’s absence. Some might have left angry. A hairstylist missed out on a paying customer fixing a mistake that didn’t really exist. The stylist who originally cut Tom’s hair might have been reprimanded. Some  long-haired customer likely waited an extra fifteen minutes during Tom's second haircut. Perhaps that customer was late for an appointment . . . and on it might go, like the ripples after someone tosses a bunch of stones into a lake.

What would have happened if we’d told Tom his hair made him look just like David Hasselhoff instead? Honestly, I’m not going to speculate on every path of joy he might have spread. Let’s just say that Tom was a very emotional leader and we would have all been getting proverbial pats on the back. No one would have gone home and kicked the dog after work.

I have a friend in the T-shirt business. He created a shirt that read, “I’m for the Separation of Church and Hate.” At first glance I found the shirt offensive—not because I’m a fan of hate, but because someone would think that the church is. If you’re spreading hate in the name of Christ, then you need to read your Bible a few more times. When you find the part that says God hates you or where Jesus preached a message of intolerance, feel free to email it to me—I apparently skipped that part more than once. I realized after I thought about it, I’m for the separation of church and hate as well.

Almost everyone knows that Jesus said if someone strikes you, turn the other cheek. (Luke 6:29). Did he literally mean that you should let someone beat you senseless? I doubt it. What if he simply meant for you to snuff the equal and opposite reaction? The second half of Luke 6:29 reads, “If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.”

Huh, if we responded to anger with love, how would that work? What would happen if:

• When someone is having a bad day, we gave them a pat on the back instead of insulting them?
• We spread love and encouragement to anyone we can?
• We bite our tongues instead of saying something negative?
• If someone attacks us, we respond with kindness?
• We did a better job pulling pranks on our boss?

I wonder what the equal and opposite reaction of that might be?

Hebrews 12:15 Make sure no one misses out on God's wonderful kindness. Don't let anyone become bitter and cause trouble for the rest of you.  

What's the point of you?

THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT DAYS OF YOUR LIFE ARE THE DAY YOU ARE BORN AND THE DAY YOU FIGURE OUT WHY - Mark Twain 

It was Tuesday when God stepped into Jake’s office. Jake had no idea of standard protocol for a visit from The Almighty. He wondered, Should I rise to greet him? Fall down on my face? Shake his hand. Meet his gaze, avoid it? Jake sat unmoving by no conscious choice.

The Divine Creator of the Universe settled into one of the leather chairs on the other side of the polished mahogany desk and spoke, “Good Day Jake, do you know who I am?”

There was no doubt in Jake’s mind. God smiled at him, a genuine sort of smile that put Jake at ease. For a moment he almost forgot that this sort of thing didn’t happen. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and nodded in reply.

“Excellent. Now how is your life?”

The moment of comfort ended. This wasn’t an easy question. Jake thought about his lovely wife, healthy son, the fine automobile he drove, his prestigious career, beautiful home and many friends. Certainly these were things he was grateful for. But here across the desk sat the Omnipotent Giver of Life. What answer can I give that God doesn’t already know? It seemed presumptuous to even reply. Still when faced with his Creator asking a direct question, it seemed imperative to answer. Jake squeaked, his reply more question than answer, “Good?”

Heaven’s King leaned forward and asked, “Are you sure?”

God dismissed the question with the wave of a hand. Jake felt a wave of relief that the question posed was rhetorical. How could he, an imperfect being, reply to a question posed by All Knowing Perfection? Clearly his first answer had been a guess; he wasn’t sure. God leaned back into the chair and told him, “Actually, I’m here for your question, child. You have one question, what would you ask Me?”

Jake wondered, What’s the most important question I can ask? God is literally sitting in my office, which answers a number of questions in itself. A moment of disbelief flickered through his thoughts, of course, I could be going insane.

God interjected gently, “Even while I sit right here, you can doubt?”

Apparently the sanity question was a freebee, not that it matters. If I am insane, it was answered by my hallucination. Jake shook off the thought. He knew full well that this moment was completely lucid. It was impossible to doubt the existence of God while sitting in His divine presence.

While he’d believed in God, Jake never expected a personal visit from Him . . . in his office . . . without an appointment. Yes, he’d had his doubts. Who didn’t? He’d also had times when there was no doubt whatsoever. Belief was not a significant question, certainly not now.

Jake pondered his life thus far. During elementary school he hadn’t put much thought into what he wanted to do with it. Despite his present success, he felt a little envious of those who’d figured out at age seven that they wanted to be a neurologist or Ambassador to the United Nations. How awesome it must be to know what you are made for and to run after it with youthful exuberance! By age seven he had no idea, not even vague dreams of being a submarine captain, robot designer or circus ringmaster.

By high school, he dreamed of and worked toward being a music star. Two years after graduation, his doggedly hard work paid off. His band cut their first album. The euphoria dissolved into three months of bickering while touring before the band split. Jake, who had signed the contract, ended up with 8,000 unsold copies of the only album he’d ever made. With them came a rather large bill.

He’d wanted to change the world with his music, to make it a better place. He remembered, with the King of Kings sitting across his desk, Divinity was the driving force behind that music. Overwhelming debt at age twenty changed his view. It seemed a sign that it wasn't meant to be. Music was done for him. It was time to grow up. Now he wondered, Did I fail a test there? Did I give up too easily?

Those kids who knew what they wanted to do at age seven rarely picked anything that didn’t have some potential to make the world better. They all wanted to be cops, fireman, veterinarians, pop stars, pro athletes and teachers. None of them picked real estate developer, corporate accountant or investment banker. Kids don’t need to be realistic, they don’t have bills to pay.

He was disillusioned over his shattered music dream and the travesty of footing a $30,000 bill for albums he knew he could never sell. This signaled the first step toward where he was today. Jake had made his way through college working two jobs while sleeping about four hours a week. He managed to pay off the record company and obtain his law degree in eight years. At twenty-nine he passed the bar exam. He became the youngest partner in his firm before his thirty-fifth birthday. His salary was substantial. By every worldly standard he was a success. But he knew he wasn’t being measured by worldly standards when God was holding the ruler.

The driving force behind his law degree was a belief that victims needed a voice. He wanted to rescue any others out there with $30,000 in worthless recordings before their dreams were crushed. These ideals had faded when challenged by practicality. Law school left Jake with student loans that rivaled a home mortgage. A non-profit firm was going to pay half what a private firm offered. The money was good, but his moral fortitude had grown calloused earning it. Significant pro bono work wasn't exactly encouraged.

Jake thought hard about the decisions he’d made. How have I gone from someone who wanted to change the world to someone who wants nothing more than to profit from it? Does God really care that I have a seven bedroom house? A country club membership? A one handicap in my golf game? That I donate some money to charity when it pleases me? . . . What’s the point of me? There’s nothing that I can accomplish that will impress my creator, is there?

He looked upon Majesty, the most important question in his life forming in his heart. God nodded. “Go ahead and ask, my child. You are ready.”

Jake swallowed hard, cleared his throat three times. With a deep breath he asked the question. He feared the answer knowing it might change his life forever. “What was I born to do?”

God smiled approvingly. Rather than answering, He asked Jake, “What’s the difference between a busload of school kids driving off a cliff and a busload of lawyers driving off a cliff?”

God came to tell me a lawyer joke? Jake thought. “I don’t know.”

“The world considers one of them to be a tragedy.”

God smiled sadly then continued, “I might consider the other to be a bigger tragedy.”

“The lawyers?” Jake guessed, unsure why.

God nodded. “I love all my children, Jake. But children more often remember what is required of them where adults more often forget. How much more tragic it is for those who have lost their way to run out of time before they find it again.”

Jake nodded, although he didn’t feel like he understood. Is God asking me to quit my career? To leave all I've worked for behind? To start from scratch? He waited a moment knowing that he didn’t need to speak for God to know what was on his heart.

God held his hands up, indicating the opulent corner office on the twenty eighth floor with the expansive view.  “Would you leave all this behind for me?”

Jake felt a lump in his throat. He feared the challenges of life without the backing of his substantial salary. His wife, his son, would they understand? Still, he feared this less than he feared disappointing the Holy One who brought him into this world. He knew if God asked, he would walk away from it all. He nodded, mouthing, “Yes.”

“This is good, but it is not what I require of you this day. I’ve known every detail of your life since before creation. My child, your path has always been your own. Where you are now might not be where I would prefer, but it fits my plan. It is good. You were born for the same purpose as every man and woman. You were born to do what is right, love your fellow man and to walk with Me.”

Jake felt as dense as a block of Indonesian teak wood. He replied meekly, “I don’t understand.”

“It isn’t so much what you do, my child. It’s how you do it. Truly, I've been served well by musicians and kings. But I've been served just as well by tent makers, shepherds, even criminals. My own Son was a carpenter. Be the best lawyer you can, Jake. But do it in a way that pleases Me.”

Not everyone can serve God as publicly as Mother Teresa, Bono, Billy Graham or Tim Tebow. Still, we all have the same purpose in life. Even the most innocuous job offers the opportunity to find what we were born for.

If God sat down in the room with you, would you be brave enough to ask what you were born for? Are you brave enough to ask him even if he isn't physically sitting in the room?

Micah 6:8

. . . And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

1 Peter 4:11

If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

She didn't handle grief very well . . .

She didn't handle grief very well and he knew it. He forlornly retraced his steps back up the front walk, a gnawing sensation in the pit of his stomach. If there was a worse way to start a day, he wasn't sure he could think of it. Her cat was dead and he had to break the news. Making it worse, he was certain that somehow this would be construed as his fault.

How could I possibly know that stupid animal was taking a nap under the hood of my car?


The door groaned slightly as he pushed it open. The sound of the creaky door was an echo of the way his gut felt. She loved that cat. As far as he was concerned the animal had been nothing but trouble. Its shedding was constant. The litter box reeked. A perpetually unfriendly creature, it had returned any attempt to pet it with a taste of its sharp claws. It constantly left vile gifts of small dead animals in random places, sometimes even sneaking one into the bedroom.

Yes, he'd hated the cat, but this wasn't the real issue. He'd been very vocal about how much he hated the cat. Because of this she'd certainly blame him for killing it even though it was a practically unavoidable accident. Who looks under the hood before stating their car? No one! he thought building a defense in his mind. He called her name and she came down the stairs looking perplexed.

"I thought you left." she half stated, half questioned. He tried to keep his face free of emotion, but clearly failed. Her look of confusion shifted to one of dismay. "What is it? What happened, honey?" she asked.

He ushered her across the room to the couch. Even as he did so, he fumbled in his mind trying to find the right words to break the news. The cat had been hers before they were married. In a life where things were no longer his or her's, the feline was a sole exception. I killed her cat. How do I break that news to her?

She was on the edge of the couch kneading her hands as if to alleviate arthritic pain. He knew she was not arthritic. To make her wait much longer would be torture. What things might be going through her mind, he wondered. She could be making this out to be something worse. Her father has cancer . . . her sister was in an accident . . .


In a passing instant he pondered that allowing these things to stew for a moment might diminish the blow when she found it was only the cat. She sat gazing up at him, expectant dread in her eyes. He couldn't make her suffer. He sat down beside her, took her hand and tried to look at her. He failed to meet her gaze.

"I'm so sorry, Honey. Your cat is dead."

Her reaction was unexpected. She laughed. For a moment he thought her insane. Perhaps she had heard him incorrectly. Now he was the bewildered one. She was crying from laughing so hard. Was this some sort of shock? Hysterical panic?

Wiping the tears from her eyes, she finally exclaimed, "That cat? I hated that cat! I only ever got a cat because I thought you liked them."

Six impossibly unimportant questions of life

GUILTY CONSCIENCE
When a cop pulls up beside you in the car, why does it make you feel guilty?

Even in the rare cases I haven't committed any traffic infractions in the last couple moments, there's always a twinge of doubt. Is he going to pull me over for looking at him? . . . not looking at him? Be calm. Just watch the light and wait for it to change. Don't accelerate too quickly or too slowly. Is it just me?

CLASSIC TELEVISION
Why on Earth are Scooby and Shaggy still afraid of monsters? 

I'd guess they've seen several thousand of them unmasked only to be a criminal. Wouldn't it make more sense if they were wary of distant uncles, college professors and anyone who went by "Mr. . . "? Then of course we have the classic question of just what is a Scooby Snack? I suppose that answer might shed some light on their misplaced paranoid behavior.

WRITING IMPLEMENTS
When you really need a pen fast, why is it so hard to find one?
It seems like the availability of a writing implement is directly and inversely proportionate to the need for one. More importantly, when you do find one right after a car accident or equally cataclysmic event, why is it out of ink?

MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Why do we blame the dog? 

It's unfair, but it happens. There are two things we sometimes blame on the dog: unsavory fragrances of a bodily nature and any injury deemed too embarrassing to speak of. On the first front, it's a fairly obvious choice; the dog actually is responsible for some exceptionally pungent odors from time to time (that's gas for those of you struggling to keep up). The second isn't really fair though. Yes, I suspect it would be embarrassing to tell co-workers that your 90-pound wife gave you a black eye. Still I ask, when is the last time someone really tripped over a dog and got a black eye? Further I wonder, is this fair, blaming man's best friend on either of these things? Finally, how is this fair to the poor schmuck who does actually have the misfortune to trip over his dog and blacken his eye? There's no way anyone is going think his wife didn't hit him. Of course his other option is to claim he ran into a door. Running into inanimate objects isn't at all embarrassing.

YOU KNOW I'M GOOD FOR IT
Why do people sometimes convey the exact opposite of what they want to say? 
You ever have someone borrow money then need more time than agreed upon to pay you back? Invariably they will tell you, "You know I'm good for it." Of course, you thought they were good for it when you made the loan. Any uncertainty which bloomed did so as the result of their attempt at reassurance. Unfortunately, this very statement is more of a confirmation that you should write off that debt than it is that payment will be forthcoming. Why don't they just blame it on the dog?

SMART KIDS
How come no one needs to teach kids how to be a smart aleck?
Take your typical three-year-old boy and he's going to find the things that flip your switch. In the case of my son one of them is literally flipping the light switch on and off. He finds this most amusing if it's the light that I'm using to read a book. The more you tell them no, the more they do it. Easy enough to write this off as basic obstinate behavior, but if I tell him, "Please go play with the light switch," he still does it. How does he know it annoys me?

One could blame it on boys being trouble makers, but my niece was just as clever. Many years ago, before she could even talk, she was wandering around Grandma and Grandpa's house. In her little hands she had a pouch of fruit snacks (sharks if I recall). Poppy, as she calls Grandpa to this day, asked if he could have one of her snacks. She toddled over to his chair with a huge grin on her face. When he reached for the bag, she ran away laughing. I asked her if I could have one fully expecting that she would tease and deny me as well. Instead she proffered the pouch and allowed me one of her prized snack morsels. To punctuate her comedic genius, she then bait and switched Poppy once more. She twirled away laughing as he grasped for air once more. We all roared in laughter.

How do YOU react to Adversity? I say bring it on! . . . eh, not really

     When I started writing Speaking of Life, Death, and Hockey . . . I planned to write something fun and light. My goal going into the novel was to poke a little fun at some of the dumber things that happen in hockey—to write a comedic novel to which people could relate, chuckle along and enjoy with the emotional commitment of watching a sitcom. Having only a vague idea of how the novel would flesh out, I wrote a few chapters which I thought set up a pretty funny story. Then I sat on those chapters for the better part of three years trying to figure out exactly how my main character, Rory would end up overcoming the obstacles I planned to throw in his path.

     Eventually, with the inspiration of a couple dear friends, I managed to help Rory find his way. While the book is still very funny (so I’ve been told anyway), it definitely took some serious turns. The adversity that Rory faces in the book ended up being much deeper than I initially envisioned. Really, that’s what the book ultimately ended up being about—lots of adversity and how Rory dealt with it. Although this twist surprised me even while writing the book, I’m sure it turned out to be a much better story than the one I initially set out to write.

     Adversity is something all of us have to face from time to time. For instance, I literally just logged onto my bank account (I kid you not, before I even finished typing that last line) to find someone had used my debit card in Mason, Ohio to buy $350 worth of something or another at Bloomingdales. To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never been to Mason, Ohio or ever shopped at Bloomingdales in my life. This is awfully inconvenient and a little annoying. I wish people would spend their own money or at least ask nicely before spending mine.

     These are the types of curve balls that life tosses at us once in a while. Fortunately a stolen debit card number is pretty low on the adversity scale. Yeah, it’s annoying, but if I stuck it on a list of things such as major illness, death of a loved one, job loss, divorce . . . well it would look pretty dumb in comparison, wouldn’t it? I guess that’s what brings me to the point (assuming there is one here). I find it interesting the different ways we react to adversity. Why? Because it’s the trials of life and how we handle them that give us the opportunity to develop our character for better or worse. To that end I decided to take a little look at some of the ways people react. We probably all know these people (in fact if we’re honest, we’ve probably have had most of these reactions ourselves):

Nonchalant – You can look at this one a couple of ways. The Nonchalant is possibly pure optimist or pure pessimist. The optimist thinks, Big deal, someone stole my credit card number, the bank will fix it though. I’m not liable for the money and even if I was, I will make more money tomorrow. The pessimist thinks, My bank account will be emptied, my credit ruined and I’ll lose everything I own, my spouse will leave me, the dog won’t love me anymore . . . but this was inevitable and the world will end in a week anyway, so why worry?

Victim – Nothing is ever their fault. Even though they continuously step in bear traps, eyes wide open, they blame someone else for thoughtlessly putting the traps there. Instead of taking responsibility for where they’ve walked, they complain, Why doesn’t the bank protect my money from thieving morons? Later they post a picture of their new card on their facebook page a then wonder why bad things keep happening to them.

Avenger – Much like the Victim, the Avenger blames someone else. However, the Avenger finds complaining about the situation futile. The Avenger seeks payback. The problem here is that since they don’t always know who to blame, the vengeance is often heaped upon someone completely undeserving of their wrath, I think Kevin used to work in a bank! I’m going to go punch Kevin in the head. This of course leaves poor Kevin completely confused (especially since he didn’t actually ever work in a bank) . . . which creates adversity for him. Sharing isn’t always nice.

Paranoid Conspiracy Theorist – Apparently not everyone finds life difficult enough. This person finds adversity where there isn’t any. I should have never handed my waiter the debit card. I knew he’d try to steal my identity as soon as I saw he had a goatee. No doubt he has my birth certificate by now. He might have my address too . . . there are probably people burglarizing my house!

Defeatist – When life piles up, they shut down. Why bother? Life is too cruel. I’m going to sit on the couch and watch television all day. Mild case—empties the DVR. Moderate case—watches Seinfeld and Friends reruns. Severe case—watches Judge Judy and Jerry Springer.

Fixer – Hard work and perseverance can fix anything. I’m getting on the phone, calling Bloomingdales, the bank, the Mason Police Department, Ralph Nader, and the FBI. There’s nothing wrong with either of these traits. They’re both important and it’s great to have a positive attitude. Unfortunately not every situation is within our control. The death of a loved one, illness, irreconcilable relationships and other major life changes often cannot be repaired no matter how hard we try.

     Depending on the severity of the tests we face, there might be different ways of dealing with them. It might be a process that takes you through several of the approaches above. You might have a number of your own which I didn’t list. I spent the last summer with what seemed like a landslide coming down on me, finding out my son was autistic, realizing that my mother’s depression was far worse than I knew, losing a valued employee, dealing with business pressures, the cancellation of a very needed vacation and an important friendship ending in a rather unsavory fashion all hit me in a matter of a couple weeks. To be honest, I think I wore all of the masks that I outlined above at one time or another. How do you react to crisis in your life? One thing that I’d never recommend is going through tough situations alone. Who do you turn to for strength, council a shoulder to cry on?

     Adversity isn’t entirely a bad thing. I have a friend who told me he prayed his life would always be an uphill walk with a slight breeze in his face. His point was that without challenges we don’t grow. While I would have rather skipped the emotional pain of this summer, I know there was growth in the experience for me. I found that some of my priorities were reset, and reset in a good way. God never promised us that life would be easy, but He did promise us that if we counted on Him, he’d never give us more than we could handle.

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

2 Corinthians 1:5

For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

Psalm 46:1 

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Isaiah 41:10 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

scottnoble.net had a face lift!

I'm excited to announce that the new website is finally up and running. For those of you who were unimpressed by the old one, take a look and feel free to give me any positive feedback you'd like to share (if you hate it feel free to keep your opinion to yourself). Those of you are thinking, "What website?" can take a look as well. It's located at www.scottnoble.net.

The webmaster was kind enough to put a spot on the site for me to share my thoughts. I'm going to try to leave a little something entertaining there a couple times a month. Warned or invited, either way you know it's there (and yes, if you're already on the site already, this is the first of those posts).

-- Scott